saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
