Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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