I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
