3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
