If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize