I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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