Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Randomize
