gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
