I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
