I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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