I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
