i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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