Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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