Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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