oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
