Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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