Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize