How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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