Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
