I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
