I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize