you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im holly from the hills drunk
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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