I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
