shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
