Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wrigley field is MILF paradise
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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