honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
