my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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