When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
