ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
