I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
