my room smells like sperm. sweet.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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