he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
