Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
