I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
