The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
