every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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