Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
