As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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