If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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