Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
