found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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