swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
