in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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