guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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