Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
