Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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