What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
