between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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