When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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