I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
