Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Dignity is for republicans.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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