Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
