I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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