I will die if light touches me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
