HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
