she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
