I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize