she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
