I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
