Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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