Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
