I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
