I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
