Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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