I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize