Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Pants are for mortals
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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